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Benders – DELETED SCENE #9

I've posted eight deleted scenes from "How to Fail" which have ranged from as large as an entire chapter (or footchapter) to a "scene" that was some several thousand words.  But, not everything that is cut from a book is a giant chapter or scene that can be read and enjoyed separately from the work.  Sometimes, more often than not, deletions are of a few lines or paragraphs.  Doesn't mean they aren't still entertaining.  Here's such a deletion, on benders, that originally appeared in "Chapter 7:  How to Fail All the Way To Rock Bottom."

I heard lots of frat boy types in college, when asked on Mondays, "What'd you do this weekend?" reply with a, "Whoa, bro, just came off a total bender."

I wanted to shake those motherfuckers by their Polo collars!  You didn't go on a "bender" you moron!  What?  Cause you drank thirty or forty cans of Natty Light, did a kegstand or two, threw up once or twice, got blown by a slut twice or thrice, did nothing productive, you think that's a "bender?"

No.  Naw.  Uhn uh.  That's not a bender.  A bender is done by a man or woman with no hope.  It is usually done alone, not because solo drinking is ipso facto part of a bender, but because for two (or more) people to be on a bender and it still qualify as a bender, they would have to have their miseries synchronized, like sorority girls and their menstrual cycles, and the likelihood of two (and especially more) people having the exact same need to bend, that's just highly unlikely.  Binge-drinking is obviously a part of the bender, the only part inexperienced braggadocious youngsters seem to notice, but it's not the only part.

Now if you're asking, by my rules, if I had been on a bender since losing my girl, and then my job, my dreams, my mind, ain't life unkind...


I was just bored.

This was a new kind of bender.  One simply existing to fill the ennui in my life.

We all need a certain amount of pleasure in our lives.  We develop certain addictions because we do not have well-rounded enough lives.  That's at least what I believe, but it's not like I'm a scientist.

If we were getting a fair amount of everything we should, we wouldn't have voids that would need to be filled by addictions.  If we got the full pleasure of love, we wouldn't have a void to be filled with tons of sleazy, near-anonymous sex.  If we got a correct amount of love made to us, we wouldn't have a void that would need to be filled with alcohol and nicotine, drugs and chicken fingers, caffeine, reality television, sports, violence, and masturbation.  I needed to get my levels back in check.

What are your thoughts on benders?  What defines one?

If you enjoyed that you might also like Deleted Scene #7 "HOW TO FAIL ON A DATE" and #8 "HOW TO MAKE GOD HATE YOU."

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