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The Wasteful Commute: How Staying in Bed is Productive

This morning I awoke at 7:00 AM sharp without an alarm.   I grabbed my iPhone off the nightstand and dicked around on it for a few minutes.  By 7:10 I flapped open my computer and began work.  I worked steadily until 10:30 AM when I finally got out of bed to go grab a coffee at the corner market.   I had already done 200 minutes of work for the day without leaving bed, without even putting on a shirt.

The man who works a 9 to 5 rolled over at 7:30 AM and snoozed his iPhone two times 9 minutes* before finally waking up at 7:48, turning off the iPhone alarm and then dicking around on it for a few minutes.  He headed to the bathroom at 8:00 to use it for all the things bathroom are used for, grabbed a slow shower, then toweled off before looking through his closet at the same lame dress clothes he hated to buy and detests having to wear every day.

By 8:30 or so he's dressed and out of the house, walking to the subway (he's perfectly timed it), where he stands for a minute on an over-crowded platform at the most downtown end ("his" spot), before sardine-ing** in the first car with a hundred others, barely having enough space to play "Angry Birds" on his iPad.  20 to 45 minutes later, he arrived at the Rock Center subway stop, or maybe Bryant Park, perhaps even all the way down at Chambers, and walked another five blocks to his office where he swiped his ID badge at the front desk of an unnecessarily fortified skyscraper (are companies in fear of people arriving to rob...boredom?) before a long elevator ride upstairs.

The man walked through the office saying hello to his few friends--correction, the few co-workers he can handle--perhaps catching up on last night's Yankees game, or the latest "American Idol" vote-off.  He stopped at the break room to make himself a single-serving pod coffee, heading on to his cubicle where he fired up the shitty company Dell, goofed around again online another ten minutes, before finally hunkering down and beginning work at 9:30 or 10.

Some two to three hours after waking up.

The exact same slog happens in reverse at the end day of his day, perhaps adding a stop at his local bar for a few happy hour libations to work off the stress of the day's double commute of pain and torment.

This isn't simply arrogant speculation from some "out-of-touch" writer who doesn't get it and now doesn't have to do it.  I've done the slow ass commute a zillion times to and fro.  I've worked at home a zillion times too.  And, if you want productivity, your best option is not spending the first 200 minutes of your day showering, walking on crowded streets, riding subways, talking about Derek Jeter, grabbing coffee, and getting pissed off about a jam-packed city getting in the way of you being allowed to do work.  At "work."

Aside from, say, service industry professionals and teachers and strippers and professional basketball players and a few face-to-face work-based others, there's not much reason to waste so many productive hours of the day "getting ready" for work and then commuting to work and ultimately getting pissed off about the Odyssey-like daily journey of traveling there.  It would be better to just stay in bed.

(Then again, one of the best teachers in the world doesn't leave his house.  Live-streaming on the web is terrific and stay-at-home strippers can presumably strip for more people than they've ever stripped for before.  And, the Knicks certainly didn't show up for work over the last week.)

If you're sick of wasting such productive hours of your day, and all you need to do the work is your brain, a computer, and a phone, why not ask your boss if you can work from home tomorrow?  Print this out, Sharpie out the naughty words, and give this to him even.  Tell your boss by the time he's arrived at work tomorrow, you'll have already done three hours of work from bed.

How can he possibly not let you work from home?

Why would you possibly want to continue working for this person if he won't?


"How to Fail to Do Something Productive All Day"

How to Fail at Conquering The Resistance

*Why snoozes are nine minutes.

**Did you know America's last and final sardine factory closed last week?

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