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Bars I Plan to Open

Often, when I'm sitting at bars, my mind starts wandering to thoughts of other bars, better bars, that I plan to open.  One day...

Cocktail Hour

The best part of any wedding is the cocktail hour.  You've just spent the last hour sitting quietly in a church or synagogue, bored out of your mind, watching some virgin priest pontificate on the sanctity of marriage.  You're ready to explode!  And, the cocktail hour is your respite.  You go from bored to quickly being overwhelmed with sensory stimulation.  You're standing, schmoozing, plates and plates of exotic finger foods are being hurried out of the kitchen, and you're throwing back as much open bar Scotch as your can cram down.  Cocktail Hour would bring this same excitement to real life.  For a certain cover charge--I'm thinking around $50--you'd get to eat and drink as much as you want for an hour.  We'd have, say, five "standings" a night.  Everything moves quickly in Manhattan, why not make dinner move even quicker?  Get stuffed, get loaded, pick up a floozy.  All in an hour.

Only negative: I actually went to two non-wedding cocktail parties this past week and both were pretty boring.  Long lines to get drinks, slow and small apps, too polite of conversation.  Cocktail Hour would have to figure out that perfect sweet spot between Upper East Side WASP snob-fest and drunken frat party.


I'm a guy that likes to try a lot of different things.  Typically a beer drinker, when I hit up a favorite craft beer bar (for instance, Rattle n Hum in New York City), I like to order flights.  That way I can try small samples of four different beers in one shot.  By the end of the night, sure, I'm loaded, but I've tried 20 different things as opposed to just five or six.  This is one reason I hate cocktail lounges.  Many of my favorite cocktail lounges in New York (The Stanton Social, PDT, Death and Co.) have massive cocktail lists.  I want to try them all.  But, due to both pricing (usually $12-$15 per) and booziness, I'm only able to have maybe two or three in an entire night.  Thus, my bar Tiny will offer cocktail flights.  Four different miniature cocktails served at once.

Only negative: My bartenders would detest me.  They would hate having to whip up four tiny cocktails for every single person, every single round.  Also, finding tiny cocktail glasses may prove tough.

Pub Pub

Just like it sounds:  a brewpub that is also a small publishing house.  We'd brew up both our own beers and our own books.  We'd even have beer and book pairings.  And, the first beer released would obviously be How to Fail Ale.

Only negative: Publishing is dead and, as I found out, drunks don't read.

If you like these ideas and have money, let's talk.  If you like these ideas and just want to steal them from me, feel free.  But, at least, let me drink on your house for the rest of time.

More to come...


The How to Fail Literary Bar Crawl

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