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“How to Pick a Bad College Major” – DELETED SCENE #11

This is another HOW TO FAIL deleted scene that was actually an entire chapter.  It was originally Footchapter Twelve-B but in later edits it got shortened into just a small passage (pgs. 289-290) in Footchapter Eleven-A "How to be Aimless & Uninspired."

I thought it would be nice to run now, four years after lots of children picked bad college majors which they're now finding absolutely no use for in the "real" world.  Shudder.

You don't need to go to college to aquire most skills.  You can learn them on your own.  College should only be used as a trade school for white collar piece of shit jobs.

I didn't need classes to know how to write.  I either had it or I didn't.  And, you're already on pg X of this book so I must have it; or you randomly opened to this page; or you were assigned this for a class (seriously?!  Stuart Fish is taught in schools now?  How flattering!)

I majored in both film and English.  Perhaps the two most useless majors in America after general studies.

You see, the problem is, one can't major in the stuff you really want to major in:

*Being Awesome

*Becoming famous

*Picking up hot chicks

Meanwhile, there are countless worthless and useless things people can major in:

*________ Studies  (Women's, African-American, Rock 'n' roll)--These aren't "studies."  You're essentially paying money to goof around.  These colleges are tricking your parents into letting you party for four years under the guise of study.  Watch a documentary or two on said _______ or read a couple of books and you'll know more than enough on the subject.  And if you're a woman or an African-American, your life is your study.  If you're a man or white, you don't need to study those minorities "studies."  You're already a majority of fortune on planet Earth.  Even if these things interest you, you certainly don't need to spend 80 hours on it.

*Hotel/restaurant management--Seriously?  If this necessitates a major then why are so many restaurants running just fine under the helm of a nineteen-year-old college drop-out?  And hotels?  What's there to know?  Mexican women need to clean up the room and makes the bed.  Black men need to mop the floor and unclog the toilets.  White girls need to run the front desk?!  You don't need any ethnic studies classes to know those things.

*History--The major for lazy people that think they're intellecutal and like owning lots of books.

*Physical education--You must be kidding.

*Latin--Studying a dead language is always savvy.

*Teaching--Why would you need to major in this?  Can't you pretty much teach something the second you learn it?  A 2nd Grader could teach a 1st Grader how to be a 1st Grader, right?  And a 9th grader could teach an 8th grader.  A 12th grader could probably even teach like a 10th grade "honors" class.  Done and done.  Katie confirms as much.

My major in film was particularly useless considering my school was using equipment that DW Griffith would have laughed at, and that was a man that thought racism was hilarious so you know he's got a bang-up sense of humor.  So, perhaps, maybe I didn't even major in film but actually majored in something like Antiquated Filmmaking.

Wow, my major was even more useless than I thought.

As for obtaining a second major, I sure picked a great one:  English.  When English is your first language--and you don't even have a second one--you really don't need to major in it.  English in college is essentially just like being in a book club that costs $40,000 a year, has only annoying people you hate in it, offers no refreshments at any of the meetings, and a book club where people actually read the books.

No, to not have a useless college major, one needs to major either in a select trade (welding, nursing, massage) or a highly select set of knowledge (biology, rocket science, astrology).

Of course, very few people major in those fields, many major in as equally of worthless majors as I did.  Yet all of these people with all these terrible fucking majors, just like me, have managed to find work, to eke out a legitimate living, have a decent paycheck, some savings, be normal.

Why can't I?

What have I done wrong?

I think I went wrong in going to college in the first place.

I should have just skipped it.  Sure, I would ultimately have gotten laid less, probably, between the ages of eighteen and twenty-two, I would have played far less beer pong, known none of the intricacies of keg stands and that thing where you stick your key into the side of a beer can and chug, but I would have...oh, I don't know, had four more years of failure on my permanent record.  But at least I wouldn't have had a degree.

No one besmirches a NON-college grad that's a failure.

I'm glad I shortened this chapter, it wasn't very good. Having said that, Stu was prescient:  I AM taught in schools now!

Check out other "How to Fail" DELETED SCENES here.

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  1. As a recovering English Major, let me raise the following rebuttals to your arguments against majoring in English:

    I got nothing.

    The only bone I have to pick is that not everyone in the English Major Book Club actually reads the books. I made it through a course on Victorian Novelists with a B+, and read, at most, 20% of the assigned books.

    Just curious, but how did Majoring in Philosophy not make your shit list?

  2. I didn’t read many books either. I usually only read the ones that actually interested me.

    Good call on philosophy. With these “deleted scenes,” the subject matter is often not that thoroughly thought out and, thus, why it’s not included in the book.

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