By the time you read this, I'll be en route to Syracuse to host "The Cheat Sheet" film festival. I'm so excited, it's going to be spectacular. I have a big "Cheat Sheet" announcement to make next week, but, until then, another free story from the book.
-Oh my god!
-Tell me everything. Where are you right now?
-I’m in room 12 at the Owl Creek B&B, upstate, sitting on the first B.
-It’s your anniversary, right?
-Fourth from the day we had our first date. Fourth plus ninety days since the day we met.
-He was such a coward.
-Totally. We still joke about that.
-How’d it happen?
-First of all, Sar, I totally thought this weekend was just an anniversary gift. It’s like, the fourth gift is supposed to be for fruits and flowers, though.
-I know. Totally. I Googled it and everything. Fruits and flowers?! What, like, he’s allowed to just stop at the bodega on the way home from work and buy me some cheap roses and a carton of sliced honey dew? No way.
-You deserve more than that.
-I know. Luckily he suggested this B&B. At first I was like, “Aren’t those full of old people that are about to die but still like holding hands and kissing each other?”
-And you have to eat breakfast with them every morning?!
-Right. I know. I thought the same thing. But he showed me Owl Creek’s website and it looked totally nice. Plus, he got us a king deluxe suite.
-Totally sweet. Balcony overlooking the creek, king size bed, and a bathtub jacuzzi. $425 a night, minimum two nights. Totally romantic.
-Ew, do you think the old people, like, get in the jacuzzi naked together?
-That’s sick, Sar. Don’t make me think about Mr. and Mrs. Capshaw like that.
-Who’s Mr. and Mrs. Capshaw?
-Oh, yeah, they’re the old couple we sit with at B every morning. Retired, and totally cool. But wrinkly. You wouldn’t want to think about them naked.
-So today after B...
-What was for B...?
-Delicious maple glazed french toasts with organic Greek yogurt and freshly squeezed mimosas. There’s, like, farms and stuff in the area that provide all the food. Really good. And healthy.
-Yum. I had to have brunch with Monica today. Alone. Wish you had been there to bail me out. She’s so crazy. She spent the whole time talking about how she’s in love with this married guy in her office. And they even kissed the other night secretly while they were both working late. And you know the worst thing? I’ve seen his pic on Facebook. He’s totally ugly.
-Do you want to hear about my day or what?
-So after B we’re both stuffed and I just want to go back to B and lay down for a bit, watch TV maybe. Even though they don’t even have cable here. Just, like, boring local channels and stuff. Friends re-runs around the clock.
-I miss Friends.
-But he was like, “We didn’t drive all the way up here to sit around all day.”
-I’d love to sit around all day in a room that expensive.
-Me, too. But he had a point. He suggested we go on this nature walk.
-Since when is he into nature?
-I know! That’s what I said! Ever since I’ve known him, the only time he likes being outside is if he’s at a beer garden or golfing. But he insisted that everyone told him this trail led to the most beautiful sight in the state.
-Totally. But it gets even better. You know I’m afraid of heights, so he was like, “Wear this blindfold while we walk over this bridge to the falls. As we’re walking, I started thinking, “Oh my god! I wonder if he’s gonna propose now?”
-But I put that out of my head because he has commitment issues.
-He wouldn’t even let you move in with him until a few months ago!
-I know! So we’re walking and he’s leading me for what seems like forever. I feel little bugs biting my legs cause I’m wearing that cute romper that exposes them.
-And tree branches are swinging by my head, right near my sunnies, which are over my blindfold.
-And water rushing below me.
-I would have totally started feeling sick.
-Finally, he’s like, “We’re here.” He takes my blindfold off and we’re not alone. There’s this group of Mexican dudes with guitars.
-They start playing this, like, serenading song...and then he got down on his knee, even though he was wearing his nice $115 J. Crew khakis I got him and the ground was dirty.
-Did you freak?
-No. I thought he’d lost a contact or something.
-I didn’t know he wears contacts.
-Then he’s like, in an all serious voice, “Elizabeth Connors, everyday since the day I met you has been better than the last day. I’m already lucky, but will you make me the luckiest man in the world...”
-“And be my wife!”
-He pulled this Tiffany’s box from his Vineyard Vines jacket pocket and I just started flipping. Screaming. He put it on my finger and I started crying and we started hugging.
-What’s the ring look like?
-Lucida cut, one point five carats, platinum band, solitaire setting. I’ll upload pictures of it on Facebook after I get off with you. I’ve already taken like a hundred.
-Wow. How much?
-Sorry! Was just curious for when it’s my turn with Scott.
-Nice. How’d he know what to get?
-You know he’s totally old-fashioned and would never let me go shopping with him for it. So I had to be sneaky. I dropped tons of hints. Cut things out of US Weekly, like the ring Hugh got Shelly earlier this year.
-I love them.
-Printed printouts off the computer at work. Told him that princess cuts are gross and pink diamonds are white trash. I totally schooled him. I’m sure by the time he went in to buy it he felt like an expert. He may have thought he picked it out by himself but I totally put the correct thoughts in his head.
-Can he not hear you right now?!
-Oh, no. I’m on the balcony with the door shut behind me. He’s inside laying on the B, drinking a beer, and watching football.
-He probably just proposed so he’d have the whole night free to watch the big game while you call everyone.
-Ha. I’m sure.
-Was I the first you called?
-That’s so sweet.
-I mean, after my mom.
-And my sisters.
-But you’re not close with them.
-Robin?! But I thought we were best friends. I’ve known you much longer than her.
-We are best friends, Sar! Don’t worry. She was just in my iPhone ahead of you. Alphabetically.
-But I’m gonna get to be maid of honor, right?
-If I have a maid of honor.
-I may not have one. Or I may have two. You and Robin. And my sisters maybe.
-But I’d at least be one of them, right?
-Are you gonna get married back home? There’s no good venues there.
-I know. I’d have to get married at the Lion’s Club or the bowling alley or something. Gross.
-I think I might want a destination wedding.
-Maybe Puerto Vallarta. Or Playa del Carmen. On the beach.
-Nice. But then you won’t get to wear a good dress.
-Oh, I’m wearing a good dress. My mom already has me an appointment at Kleinfeld’s for next weekend.
-Can I come?
-Please do! We’ll have a girl’s day. Drink champagne and try on dresses and stare at my ring.
-Count me in.
-What’s he want to do for the wedding?
-It’s my day.
-It’s your day. Totally.
-I’m so glad this day is finally here.
-Were you worried it wouldn’t be?
-Not really. But kinda.
-Well, you know he has commitment issues. And he used to always say marriage is dumb. He’d quote this stupid famous quote from Albert Einstein about marriage being an attempt to make something lasting about an accident.
-Don’t ask me. You know how guys are.
-Scott’s the same. So, what did you do? What should I do?
-A few weeks ago I just told him: “Look—you propose to me now, before the end of the year, or I’m leaving you.”
-Of course it did. You made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
-I can’t wait to be married. I can’t wait to have a wedding!
-It’s going to be so romantic.
-OK, I totally gotta get off the phone with you, sweetie. I got so many more calls to make tonight.
-And my iPhone is dying.
-Don’t forget to put those rings pics up on Facebook tonight.
-I’m so happy for you!!!
-Send my congrats to Chris, too.
© 2010 Goldfarb
You'll love the rest of the collection too, all stories about the sexes, sex, and sexiness in New York, which features these ten other tales:
"The References" -- The final few lines of one's resume are usually devoted to references that can tell a would-be employer you're the right person for the job. One's life references are a little different, but even more important.
"The Ambiguous Woman" -- A man struggles to figure out exactly what a woman is thinking while on a date with her.
"The Boyfriend Trials" -- A fed-up thirty-year-old woman has a most interesting methodology in searching for the perfect partner.
"Health" -- Arthur Lampkin is the sex-ed teacher at a Staten Island high school whose life is a living hell of comical sex-ed tools, oversexed teenagers, and an undersexed home life.
"The Feminist" -- Kelly Meyers is the only male professor at an all-girls college.
"Born. Again" -- What happens when a sexually promiscuous New York atheist spends a weekend with a chaste Midwestern Christian?
"Gross Humans" -- If you knew what most couples did behind closed doors, you'd be repulsed.
"Ain't Nothing Like a New York Romance" -- There can't possibly be a better place to fall in love than New York City. Can there?
"The Cheat Sheet" - [plot redacted]
You can purchase THE CHEAT SHEET on Amazon Kindle for a paltry 99 CENTS here.