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A Sex Toys Shop, the Infomercial Man, and Trophy Husbands : The Screenplays of Goldfarb

For the longest time I didn't write books, I wrote screenplays.  No, you've never seen any of these movies or TV shows because none of them were ever made (for a variety of reasons).  Eventually, I got so fed up with writing stuff only read by my manager, my mom, and a few studio and network execs (or, more likely, their lowly assistants), that I decided to actually write something I knew the masses would get to enjoy.  That was How to Fail.

Amazon now makes it very easy to share screenplays as part of their Amazon Studios, so I decided to dust off some old works and let you read these screenplays heretofore only read by manager, mom, and those lowly assistants.

Jesse's Toy Box was the first TV show I ever created and it's the rare labor of love I still hold onto in the hopes of getting it made one day.  The premise:  Ronnie Fish, a Brooklyn slacker, inherits a Christian bookstore in Florida when his uncle dies suddenly. However, upon arrival, Ronnie flips some letters on the marquee and converts Jesus’s Joy Box into Jesse’s Toy Box—Levy, Florida’s first and only sex toys shop.

I shopped this project around Hollywood for most of the late-2000s, getting plenty of interest, but constantly hearing the same refrain:  "A sex toys sitcom would never work."  One day, I awoke to news from Variety that Seth Rogen (he was uber-hot at the time and taking meetings left and right) had just sold a similar premise to Showtime based simply on the premise.  Even worse, he was tabbing his personal assistant to script and produce it!  Of course, no surprise, some four years later, Rogen's pseudo-project has never aired, never gone into production, never even been written for all I know.  Mine has and here you can check out the pilot episode script and a 25-page "bible" which details how the show would develop over four seasons-plus.  I still think it could be a huge winner.

Trophy Husbands was one of those high-concept Hollywood ideas in which you merely need a title to know all about the project.  The logline:  Everyone's heard of a "trophy wife," but in Silicon Valley a group of ambitious young men is trying to make a startup business out of being the opposite: handsome, young "trophy husbands" married to, and trying to dupe old, rich women out of their wealth.  I knew it was a project I had to have circulating in Hollywood ASAP because it was such an easy idea.  Of course, again, bigger people than me sold the premise but it's still listed as "in development" on IMDB.  I'm guessing it'll also never get made.  I still think my script is quite sharp, funny, and worth a read.

A Better You!!! was probably the first really good script I ever wrote:  For decades we've been inundated with infomercials trying to sell us stuff. Workout DVDs, books that "teach" you French in a week, and CDs that show you how to speed read. Who actually buys this crap?! Dallas resident Batch Holt does, though he eventually comes to understand that it takes more than 6-pack abs, super speed-reading abilities, and the DVD advice of a geeky dating guru to become A BETTER YOU.

This script was actually optioned by an indie producer and for the longest time looked like it was going to go into production.  But one quickly learns that movies are so much harder to get made than you'd ever think and the producer wasn't able to quite raise the funds needed to begin shooting.  I took a lot of meetings, had my hopes constantly raised--then dashed, and made a few bucks for my troubles, but the public has never got a chance to enjoy A Better You!!! until now.


Let me know what you think.  If people enjoy reading these I'm happy to post some other screenplays I've written.


And don't forget, the offer for a free copy of Drunk Drinking ends on Friday!

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Comments (11) Trackbacks (1)
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