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Everything I’ve Ever Written

Any biography of me currently lists me as having written one to perhaps three things.  Of course, that's hardly the truth.  The other day I was thinking about how much stuff one has to actually write before they can produce work good enough that the world actually wants it.  So, I decided to make a real bibliography and list every major thing I have ever written, the vast majority of which, you will see, have never seen the light of day.

Fort's Brain [2000] -- (feature film screenplay) terrible college script.

Gatsby Returns [2001] -- (feature film screenplay) slightly less terrible college script.

The Good Life [2001] -- (feature film screenplay) co-written with Tim Calpin, named after a Weezer song. An American Pie rip-off written in 30 days. Landed us a manager (sort of) and then was optioned by an independent film producer who never paid us because he got divorced and his wife took him for a bath.

Cracker [2001] -- (feature film screenplay) co-written with Tim Calpin.  A comedic safecracking movie.

Dandy [2003] -- (feature film screenplay) co-written with Tim Calpin.  Dark comedy, won a Slamdance screenwriting award though I can't find any proof of that online.

How to Fail [2004] -- (feature film screenplay) Based on a great idea I turned into a terrible screenplay.  For the moment...

Without Men [2004] -- (feature film screenplay) Dark comedy that posited a world in which all the men had died in wars and women were the only thing left.

Heroes & Villains [2005] -- (novel) Action drama about a police strike in New York.

Heroes & Villains [2005] -- (feature film screenplay) Written after I couldn't quite finish the novel and decided the concept might work better as a movie.  It didn't.

A Better You!!! [2005] -- (feature film screenplay) Comedy optioned several different times by several different people.  Made me some money but was never produced.  I still think it's a pretty viable property.

Jesse's Toy Box [2006] -- (half-hour TV series) First four episodes and show bible written about a sex toys shop in bible belt Florida.  Received a lot of interest and then Seth Rogen fucked up my shit.  If I have a single "labor of love," it might be this.  My favorite thing I've ever written and I still hope to make it one day.

Trophy Husbands [2007]-- (feature film screenplay) Optioned for a minimal amount by a man I'm pretty sure was a con artist.  He now uses a different name online.

Proud Papa [2007] -- (feature film screenplay) Comedy about the world's greatest (accidental) sperm donor.

Lied Life [2007] -- (feature film screenplay) I can't even really remember what this was about, but I recall it was inspired by Michael Clayton and was probably pretty crappy.

Subbing [2008] -- (feature film screenplay) Co-written with Anton Azucar based on his years as a substitute teacher.  Comedy in no way based on the-more famous Tom Berrenger vehicle.

Everybody's Famous [2008] - (feature film screenplay) Dark comedy satire about a dystopian world where everyone is...famous.

Par for the Course [2008] -- (half-hour TV series) Pilot episode and bible about life on a low-level pro golf tour.

Homeschool U [2008] -- (feature film screenplay) Dark comedy about the most home-schooled children of all time.

[redacted] [2009] -- (feature film screenplay) Comedy screenplay based on an idea by Craig T. Wood.

The Honey Trap [2010] -- (stageplay) I don't even like attending plays, but I still tried to write one. Received decent attention and a reading was nearly put together. I can't recall why it fell apart.

How to Fail:  The Self-Hurt Guide [2010] -- (novel) FINALLY, the first major project of mine an Average Joe could actually consume!

The Cheat Sheet [2010] -- (short story collection)

The References [2012] -- (half-hour TV series) Co-written with Jake Hart.  Pilot episode and bible based on the first short story in The Cheat Sheet.  Currently making the rounds in Hollywood.

Drunk Drinking [2012] -- (essay collection)  Self-published.

[redacted] [2013] -- (feature film screenplay) Co-written with Jake Hart.  High-concept action movie.  Currently making the rounds in Hollywood.

[redacted] [2013-2014] -- (novels) Three upcoming novels, manuscripts mostly finished.

Three Rings [2013] -- (one-hour TV series)  Co-created with a Brooklyn producer.


17 feature film screenplays
4 television series created
1 stageplay
0 produced (as of right now)

7 books written
3 published (as of right now)


So there you have it.  Wow, I can't even believe I've written so much stuff--that you can't ever read or see.  Maybe 10% of work I've created has been released to the masses.  That's kind of depressing.

I'd love my fellow writers out there to do likewise.  Give it a try, and pass this along.

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Comments (4) Trackbacks (1)
  1. Wow. I couldn’t really do a lit like this, because so much of my stuff is unfinished and lost–plus a lot of my output is poetry.

    I did write a screenplay with my ex-wife that made it to the top six of “Project Greenlight” and was optioned by a studio and then dropped. I should dig that out and see if I can shop it out again.

  2. We titled that Subbing? What an unoriginal farce. If I read that now I’d probably want to burn it. But the anecdotes of the subbing life are pure gold. I should market my story to Lena Dunham. Maybe I can find some “quirk” in my personality, somewhere.


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